coiffeur | HOLLY HEIGHTS INBOX

[ aoba's been thinking intensely these past few days about a great deal of things. well, mostly about what happened in nearly the entire month of december, between him and koujaku. the look on koujaku's face on christmas day when they woke up... he doesn't want to think about it, but he can't help it either. especially without ren here to scold him, aoba's left alone with nothing except his own thoughts. he still recalls what koujaku said, couldn't forget it if he tried.

the awkward impasse between them last for days before aoba decides he's had enough. koujaku and him...they're (were?) friends, right? aoba wants to pick up the pieces of what they had- he can't leave it like this in good conscience. when koujaku walks up, aoba is rumpled in comparison, a little distracted even as he waves back.

he's sitting on the porch steps, and he shifts aside to give koujaku room to join him if he wants. ]

Ah...yeah. Thanks for coming. [ the words are awkward, stilted, and he hates it. ]

[ he can feel the awkwardness of this all, and he knows he's the one causing aoba to feel and be like this. it just adds onto his guilt. ]

No problem. [ he says, and he looks at aoba indicating he should sit down. he does sit down, but there's a rather obvious distance between them. it's like awkwardness is a person sitting between them, because it sure as hell feels like it. he doesn't look at aoba directly, and if aoba looks at him, he turns his head away. he doesn't say anything, not sure who should start. should he make small talk? or maybe aoba wants to go first? he'll wait, but this awkward silence is making time pass much slower than it really is. ]

[ koujaku's clearly not going to say anything if aoba doesn't, so he takes the lead. ]

About what happened. [ no point in dancing around the subject, might as well cut to the chase. he can't help squirming inside in discomfort however, trying to keep it off his face to the best of his abilities. how can you ask someone, how can he ask koujaku if he meant it when he said he's loved him since they were children? aoba balks, and forces the words off his tongue. his hands are clammy where they meet as he twists them in his lap. ] I'm sorry.

[ once he hears aoba's voice, he looks at him, but still not directly as he fixes his bangs. he still looks uncomfortable, but when he hears aoba's sorry, there's a sincerely honest look of surprise on his face he can't hide. ] Aoba...

[ he's really not sure why aoba is apologizing. of course he blames himself even more because he thinks he did something that made aoba think he did something wrong. ] You don't have to be sorry. It was never your fault at all. [ it. for such a small word, it alluded to so much. ] You have nothing to apologize for.

[ there's another pause, and he turns away to fix his bangs. ] I should be the one. I should have known better, thought things over. I know more about this place and I took advantage of you like a selfish person. [ he leaves out that he thinks he's ruined everything... at least he assumes aoba thinks things are ruined. he doesn't want things to be ruined. he still wants to be friends with aoba no matter what. maybe he's still selfish, but he'll push down his selfish desire of wanting to still be friends if aoba doesn't want them to be. he should do what's best for aoba no matter what pain it causes him. in the end, he'll be happy because aoba will be happy. ]

No, it wasn't your fault either-- you weren't taking advantage of me, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into, or how you said you felt.

[ at first, the things he wants to say trip over themselves in his rush to say them, smoothing out slowly as he gains his momentum. koujaku perpetually takes too much of the blame and not enough of the credit, and aoba hates that side of him. sometimes he can't help wanting to take him by the shoulders and shake him and tell him that not everything in this world that happens is on his shoulders and his alone. ]

Neither of us could've stopped it from happening. This place made sure of it. [ aoba glances at koujaku briefly before returning to an intense contemplation of his hands, worrying his lip before carrying on. ]

Besides, you weren't the only one who got caught up in it. That's why I'm sorry. I never realised...

[ how much should he take these words to heart? is aoba just saying this to make him feel better? does he really mean it? is it a mixture of both? he's just used to taking the blame and having it end there. no one has ever tried to do this to him, so it's strange. he's not sure what to do, because dismissing aoba outright and asserting that he's really to blame would be rude and hurt him.

what should he say? and honestly, he didn't even know he had such feeling for aoba. it's kind of like since then, there are lingering feelings he just can't be blind to. he can ignore them and push them down, but before he never let himself see or acknowledge them. these feelings got a massive jolt, bringing them to the surface at full strength, but they didn't die down fully after. ] Like you said, this place made sure of it, so you don't need to say sorry for something out of your hands. [ yet he doesn't say anything about himself. ] I didn't realize this place could be this messed up; I didn't even listen to my own advice about keeping one's guard up.

Then you shouldn't have to either. [ he's sticking stubbornly by this point. ] Both of us made a mistake.

[ the subject feels like taboo. aoba doesn't want to interrogate koujaku, he wants to apologise and make amends the best he can. losing him over something like this isn't what he wants. he shifts and draws one knee up to his chest, looping an arm around it. they fooled around and touched a bit, so what? aoba's done his share of that in the past, and koujaku's done the same. the only difference is that this time it was with one another.

oh yeah, and they'd thought they were in love. ] We're friends, right? Something like this... it shouldn't ruin things between us, especially since it was an accident.

[ aoba sighs, brows furrowing together in a frown. ] I don't want to lose you.

[ especially here, in holly heights, where aoba's reminders of midorijima number only two-- koujaku, and noiz (whom despite his reservations, aoba trusts, but to a certain extent). it's probably selfish, to want to cling to koujaku like this. but it's not solely a matter of familiarity, rather trust and the years of friendship behind their relationship too. ]

[ it was a mistake, so he nods at that, but aoba doesn't know the whole story. the reason he feels guilty is the fact the mistake felt so good and he was so happy. he hates himself for feeling that, and that's why he can't take aoba's words to heart fully. he should have been happy with their friendship alone, yet he was selfish enough to disregard their friendship (no matter how briefly or what state of mind) for something he wanted. he knows aoba doesn't feel the same now that the landlord's influence is gone. he does finally verbally respond, but it still sounds unsure.] Yeah.

[ while outwardly, it looks like his body isn't as tense when aoba mentions wanting to be friends still, inside is another story. he's glad, relieved, even, to hear aoba say such a thing. he would never turn down the assurance of friendship and make an ultimatum for more. no, instead he thinks he's too selfish -- no matter what, he wants aoba in his life. he needs him in his life because that's the only thing that really connects him to the world that isn't tainted by the sins of his past. he smiles, and how true that smile is... no, it's genuine. there is pain, but knowing aoba still needs him, that's the most important. ] I will always be your friend no matter what, Aoba. [ he extends his hand in a very familiar way as it's how they initiated their secret handshake as kids. ] Don't give in, right?

[ he can still remember the look of sheer bliss on koujaku's face, followed by another pang in his chest. how much of what both of them said to one another was facilitated by the landlord's meddling? and how much of it was real? aoba can't tell. doesn't know if he'll ever be able to. and if what koujaku had said was sincere... the guilt presses down on him from all sides. he never meant to lead koujaku on, wouldn't dream of it, but what if--

no. he can't let that kind of thinking drag himself down. keep it together, aoba. koujaku's words help, a wave of relief washing over him. the corners of his mouth tip upwards in a small smile, and he holds his own hand out. ] Yeah. Don't give in.

[ aoba laces their fingers together, the warmth of koujaku's hand the same it's always been. maybe there's still things they need to talk about, and there's no doubt that some of the incongruity will linger. aoba will do his best to ease past it and hope that time helps. it's the most he can do. ] Thank you, Koujaku.

[ as long as aoba is happy and safe, i'll be happy. as long as aoba needs me, i'll be there. those have been statements that have shaped his outlook and his current life, so of course coming to holly heights they would apply. yet he's been really tested by these new set of circumstances. he wonders how many possible mistakes he could have made what if he-

then he sees that little smile, and it stops his train of thought. the smile eases his mind and makes him refocus. if they make mistakes, they'll work through it. he's learned this very important lesson, but the question still remains if the takes the lesson to heart. working together as equals, he still feels like he should always do more for various reasons. ] We've known each other too long to let a little mind games get to us.

[ usually he'd let go by now, at least he was always the first to do so when they were kids. yet he really doesn't want to pull their hands apart. he wants to keep their hands like this for a bit longer. there's a warmth in his chest that feels pleasant, and just looking at their hands like this makes him happy.

just a little selfishness, it wouldn't do any damage and-

but he untangles their fingers, pulling his hand away first. just like old times, just like the present, just like he will in the future most likely.] Who else is gonna bring you back to Tae-san in good condition? She'd ban me from coming over for dinner if I didn't look out for you. [ humor's a good way to ease the conversation and direct it to something else (food too). ]

Exactly.

[ a weight lifted from his chest, aoba's smile shifts into a full blown grin. he doesn't even mind koujaku's teasing and even goes along with it. the lingering sensation of koujaku's hand remains for a brief moment, before aoba turns his attention towards other things. ]

Well for now, you're stuck with my cooking. Is there anything you want in particular today?

[ it's sort of like a weird gesture of goodwill towards koujaku. a thanks for still sticking by me even though i'm a dumbass that got played around by this place, or something. not to mention aoba's appetite has been on and off lately anyway thanks to all the worrying he's done over this entire affair. and now that it's (somewhat) resolved, he's starting to get it back. ]

Stuck with your home cooking? I'd better prepare myself. [ he knows what it means, and he's thankful things worked out. they're still friends, aoba looks a lot happier, and those things are important. he's not even going to think about other possibilities such. after all, he knows they're better as friends. aoba will eventually find someone deserving of him -- a kind, pretty woman who can give him what he needs and wants. or hell, even a guy, he can't really judge. just not him -- his past has tainted him, and he doesn't want to drag aoba into his issues now that he's thinking clearly. ]

Nikujaga. I can pick up any groceries you need and drop them off after I run some errands. [ honestly, he's not a picky eater at all when it comes to more traditional japanese foods. he picks this because he knows it's aoba's favorite, too. ]

Prepare yourself? Maybe you should get some antacids too.

[ rude koujaku!! he knows he's just teasing him though. what he doesn't know is the thoughts running rampant in koujaku's head. but he sense something of it on koujaku's face, and his voice softens fractionally. ]

Don't overthink things, okay? That's my job.

[ he uncurls himself from his position, springing lightly to his feet. ]

Nikujaga, huh? My favourite. All right, you got it-- I'm going to stick around here and catch up on some things. So take your time.

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